He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. -Aeschylus

Jungle Escape Day

I have been negligent in maintaining this blog. This is both regrettable and predictable. A brief recap of the last several months is pending. In the meantime, I am on vacation. Again.

The first day of my vacation I was post-call, which means I actually spent the morning working. Most people wouldn't consider that 'vacation.' I forgot what I did the second day until my friend reminded me ("You walked around pants-less eating marshmallows. You told me about it.") Third day: my friend kidnapped me and we had a jungle themed escape day; we went to an interactive rain forest exhibit at a museum (I think a giant spider actually winked at me), and then we went to a spa for a "jungle" treatment. Now I'm not usually the type to frequent, or even be very comfortable in, a day spa but this was a special treat that my friend surprised me with! The "jungle" treatment involved getting scrubbed with different sugars and then a papaya/pineapple concoction, then my hair was massaged with a honey conditioner, at which point I was basically relaxed, if by "relaxed" you mean "edible." I was given anticipatory guidance by the masseuse before she left the room- the room would gradually fill with steam, then a rain forest-like rain would fall from the ceiling, then in the next room I would find a pool with a jungle-like waterfall, and my jungle experience would conclude with special grapefruit lotion. (Jungle grapefruit?) Okay.

So I'm trying to relax and enjoy being steamed in my papaya marinade, but all I can think of is the chain of events to come. Steam. Rainfall. Pool. Waterfall. Drying. Grapefruit. I wished the steam phase would go faster because I still had a lot to get through and I was starting to think this whole process could be a lot more efficient... I realized in my internal monologue that I was still in "intern mode," even at a day spa. Internship has pervaded, and ruined, probably every aspect of my life. I began to ponder how to break free from the intern mindset, and as in uffish thought I lay, a FUCKING TORRENTIAL DOWNPOUR broke loose over my head. Basically imagine being outside in a monsoon and the rain has been heated to 120 degrees. Except oh wait, you're indoors, and you have actually paid for this to happen to you.

...so to make a non-story short, I got sugar-coated, monsooned, splashed around in a heated pool and I actually felt a little better about my life. I left, if not refreshed, at least smelling as fresh as a fruit salad. What I took away from this is that anything that helps me break free from the mental prison of internship, is a good thing. Even if it's a hot torrential downpour.

You're probably on the edge of your seat wondering, "How fast can I navigate away from this page?" "Where can I go to get an unpleasantly hot indoor rain punishment?" or "What else will you do on vacation?"

I'm open to suggestions.

This is the first week of the first vacation I've had since internship started. Ahh mind, I thought I'd lost you!

By the way, happy April 1st!

It's official. I have quit my residency program.

This is why I didn't go into Surgery

During medical school, I also had a poorly done, sporadically-updated blog. I was just taking a jog down memory lane and came across this gem:

"Thanks surgery rotation, thanks a lot. While I forgot most of what happened on medicine due to sleep deprivation, I think I've blocked most of the surgery rotation out of my mind to avoid painful memories. Here is what I can recall:

-Getting my glasses taped to my forehead by an anesthesiologist during a case at the anxious behest of the surgeon as he worried they were going to fall off and land in his sterile field.

-Being assessed by the chief resident during my first week: "Why do you have so many freakin' pens in your pocket? And why the fuck are you wearing your pager that way? You don't look like a surgeon, you look like a dork! And don't let me catch you wearing that stethoscope, EVER. You look like a wannabe medicine intern."

-Saying "this rotation sucks" just as one of my patients walked by.

-While another student was presenting a patient on rounds, the attending started staring off into space, and halfway through the presentation just walked away.

-Surgeon's parting words to the 3rd year resident working on a mastectomy case as he stepped out of the room for approx 15 min to check on the case next door: "Just don't fuck it up!!!"

-Same surgeon to me 30 minutes ealier: "Okay that's enough. You were not born to retract for this case."

-But this is really the best reflection of what my surgery rotation was like: the acting intern on the team was giving me "tips" for "success" like how surgeons really like it when you anticipate their needs- for instance, suction up the field before being asked, adjust whatever is in the way of their visibility, always have scissors ready before they've finished the first stitch. So the next case I was in I was given the honor of suctioning and trying to do my best to keep the field clean and stay out of trouble. The surgeon asked me, "Have you ever stayed in a hotel?"
"Wha....yeah..."
"You've stayed in a room in a hotel?"
"Yyyeah...."
"What would you say if you came into your hotel room and saw the maid?"
"Um... thank you for cleaning my room?"
"NO! HELL NO! You would say get the HELL out of my room! The maid is NOT supposed to be in the room while you're in the room! When you LEAVE the room is when the maid needs to come in and clean your room, otherwise it ruins the whole DAMNED vacation!" "

True story.

So whenever Medicine is getting bad, I have to remind myself: it could always be worse. It could be Surgery.

Wards

Back on wards.

Today, during rounds, our attending giggled, and pushed me into a large, industrial trash can.

...

BEST ROUNDS EVER!