Bikram Yoga (aka Hot, Nasty Yoga)

Bikram yoga: If you can't stand the heat, you probably have a better sense of self-preservation than I do.

To take full advantage of all the glorious free time on our ambulatory block, some of us interns have been getting together a few times a week. I've wanted to try bikram yoga (or "hot" yoga) for a while. So yesterday four of my co-interns and I went to a hot nasty yoga class.

Bikram yoga involves traditional poses and breathing exercise...done in a room heated to 105 degrees. Which is only 10 degrees warmer than your average summer day here, but whatever. If you've never done hot yoga before, let me take you through a virtual session:

First of all, it smells like unwashed, medieval ass. It smells like a mix of hot garbage and potent body odor with 50% humidity. It's like a face punch delivered by a multitude of unwashed socks. Alright. Then it's 105-107 degrees in a room with no air circulating and about 20 other dripping sweating people (so let's say 70% humidity. You can taste the humidity in the air, and it tastes like an unwashed mongol horde). Most of these are die-hard yoga ladies, aged late 20s through 40s, the kind who glare and loudly shush you if you laugh or fart during silent meditation time. Not that you have the kind of energy to do either of those things because it's 105 degrees.

Wait, because it gets better. Then there are the 3 old men in the back, dripping sweat, looking like they are actively having acute coronary syndromes. Jesus christ man- just because you spiked your hair and got a surfer tattoo only takes you back 60yrs in YOUR MIND, not in real life. My zenlike state of mind was frequently interrupted by the weird grunting noises they made, causing me to worry if they collapsed who was going to run the code.

The instructor is telling you to get into various poses that will "mobilize your pancreas", and encouraging you to rotate your torso even more, "take it to your edge," so that you can "massage your liver." At this point I giggled, and was shushed by a die-hard yoga lady. Throughout the class, the instructor tells all the new students not to worry if they feel nauseated, dizzy, headache, or otherwise ill, because that is the sensation of toxins leaving your body. It is coincidental that those are also the signs of dehydration and heat stroke. Anyway.

Did I achieve new yoga heights? Strengthen my core? Increase my flexibility? See my toes again? Eh, no. Good workout though. Overall, it was a very interesting experience, but not one that begs repeating.